Free Candy Giveaway

Recently, I saw the following posted on Craig’s List:

Free heavy plastic cups From spring break locations and more.  Take . . .

Free heavy plastic cups From spring break locations and more.  Take some or all.

Thanks!

— Ernest

I sent the following e-mail in response:

Dear Ernest,

I am interested in your free heavy plastic cups from spring break locations, but I need some more information about you and your cups.  I am something of a connoisseur of heavy plastic cups and, even if they are free, I will not add just anything to my carefully curated collection.  As you may know, I won Chill Bro Magazine’s Cup Collector of the Year Award in 2011, but sadly I lost some of my best heavy plastic cups last year in a bet (long story short, I thought more people watched the NCAA lacrosse championship than the Super Bowl last year).  I’m trying to recapture the award this year, but I’m not going to be able to win based on reputation alone.  If I have any shot at the award (and the year’s supply of creatine that comes with winning), I’m going to have to make some smart acquisitions to replace the cups I lost.

Considering all that’s at stake for me, before I head all the way over to (I’m assuming) Murray Hill to see the cups, I’m going to need to know everything about them.  Most importantly, I need a list of where you got your cups.  Please include all pertinent information, including the city and the bar/strip club/ DUI lawyer’s office where you obtained the cups.  Please also note if any of these places were featured in Girls Gone Wild videos and/or regularly host wet t-shirt contests.  This is the kind of stuff that enhances a cup’s pedigree.  I’m also going to need you to list each cup’s shade of neon (if it isn’t neon, don’t even bother, it’s worthless to me).

From the picture you provided, I can see cups from Club 600 North, “Daytona’s Radical Night Club.”  Obviously, neon cups from the home of the prestigious American IronHorse Bikini Contest will impress the “brodges” (combination of “bro” and “judges”) from Chill Bro Magazine.  I also see that you have a neon pink cup from The Oyster Pub in Daytona.  It is less rare than a plastic cup from Club 600 North, but I still might be interested.  The artwork on the cup depicting an oyster with a human body drinking a beer and holding a pool cue gives it some value.  It is funny because oysters typically do not have legs or drink beer.  However, the cup loses some value because it does not have the Oyster Pub’s famous slogan:  “Do It in the Raw.”  (Are they encouraging you to eat uncooked oysters or have unprotected sex and worry about STDs later?  Or both?  It’s an unsolvable riddle).

These cups are a good start, but seeing as you are the type of guy who has so many spring break cups that you are just giving them away, I’m hopeful that you have partied in more places than just Daytona.

If I decide that it is worth my time to come look at your heavy plastic cups, I’m also going to need you to set aside some time to talk about your spring breaks and how you’ve used the heavy plastic cups.  I’m sorry if this seems intrusive, but spring break cups are more than just something to chug Bud Light out of.  Spring break cups represent the ideal lifestyle.  Bros at their optimal brospethness.  The brodges will sense if these cups were not used by somebody chill.  For example, were the cups ever used in an impromptu beer pong game when you didn’t have Solo cups?  Did you ever pee in any of the cups when you were too lazy to go to a bathroom?  How about vomit instead of pee?  Did you ever drunkenly try to cut a hole in the bottom or the side of the cup with your keys so you could shotgun a beer out of the cup?  Were the cups ever referred to as “the fine china” in your frat house?  Did you ever pump the hand holding the cup over your head when “Call Me Maybe” came on a jukebox or stereo, forgetting that there was beer in the cup and getting everybody around you wet?  The more times you say “yes” in response to these questions, the more likely it is that I will want the cup.  Also, I can’t stress this enough, I will not take any of the cups if you’ve ever used them to drink imported (except from Mexico) beers, craft beers or wine of any kind.

Look, I know you probably have other inquiries from people who want the cups who are not making you jump through the same hoops I’m asking of you.  And I’m guessing your life is stressful right now because you are getting married and your future wife demanded that you “grow up” and get rid of your spring break cups.  But I’m giving you the opportunity of a lifetime —  a chance to have your heavy plastic spring break cups featured in Chill Bro Magazine.  Can anybody else offer that?  Or are you just getting offers from smug hipsters who want to impress their friends in Greenpoint or Bushwick with their “ironic” collection of plastic mugs?  I thought so.  I look forward to your response.

Sincerely