Free Candy Giveaway

Between December 28, 2011 and January 16, 2012, I took a trip to Japan and Vietnam with my girlfriend.  During this trip I kept a journal (which is totally more sophisticated and cool than a diary) to record my adventures in those foreign lands.  Over the coming days, I will be posting my journal entries from that trip.

December 27, 2011

Tomorrow is the big day.  I am leaving for Tokyo with my girlfriend, Eriko, to visit her parents for roughly two weeks, before heading to Vietnam.  I am completely terrified because, while even under the easiest of circumstances two weeks is more than enough time to horrifically embarrass myself, I have to navigate the significant language and cultural differences between myself and Eriko’s parents.  In light of these challenges, my objective is merely to return to the U.S. without Eriko’s parents telling her something along the lines of (rough translation) “If you don’t dump this round-eye immediately, it will destroy our family’s peace and harmony.  His presence in our house brings great shame on our ancestors.”  To make sure I meet this admittedly modest objective, I have made the following list of eleven things I should and should not do while in Japan.

1.  Do NOT confuse China with Japan.  Even though you cannot tell Chinese and Japanese people apart, they are apparently different.  They have different cultures and everything.  Accordingly, never order chicken lo mein in a restaurant or mention General Tsao when talking about illustrious Japanese military leaders/chefs.  Also, don’t ask to see any “Great Walls.”  While Japan probably has walls in its country, none of them have been deemed “Great.”  This is apparently a source of national shame for such a proud people.
2. Even if there is an awkward silence in the room and you have nothing else to talk about, never mention Pearl Harbor.  Not only should you not discuss the actual battle, never say or do anything to even evoke Pearl Harbor.  This means you should never use the words “pearl” or “harbor.”  White things on necklaces and other jewelry should be referred to as “Hardened Oyster Poop” and inlets where people park their boats should be referred to as “Areas Where Waves Do Not Rock Boats All That Much” or simply “Boat Gardens.”  You should also never accuse a Japanese person of surprising you.  If Eriko’s parents happen to give you a Christmas gift, after opening the gift make it clear that you were neither surprised by the fact they gave you a gift or by the gift itself.   For example, if they give you a watch, say loudly and repeatedly “I fully expected you to purchase a watch for me.  I easily foresaw this turn of events because you are a very predictable people.”
3. Bow to every man, woman or child you meet.  If you have to get down on your knees to properly bow to the family cat, then do it.
4. Don’t send back fish in a restaurant because it is undercooked or too cold.  Also, never ask for your sashimi “well done” or even “medium” or “medium rare.”
5. Do not suggest that the U.S.has better Kobe beef because we have Kobe Bryant.  This will offend Eriko’s parents mostly because it is not a funny joke.
6. Never brag about how Americans improved upon sushi rolls by inventing the California roll or the Philadelphia roll.  It is also inappropriate to suggest that Eriko’s parents try making new types of rolls that would make you feel less homesick, such as “deep fried cheeseburger sushi rolls.”  Likewise, do not ask if you can wrap your roll in bacon, even though doing so would totally be delicious.
7. Remember, whales are tasty and not at all endangered.  It just seems like there aren’t that many left because the ocean is really big and whales are good at hiding.
8. Japan has an emperor but it is not the same emperor that turned Darth Vader to the dark-side and (as far as you know) he has not built a death star that can blow up other planets.  Everybody knows that Japan’s emperor would likely never need Darth Vader because the Emperor of Japan has a team of ninjas led by samurai generals, and ninjas are stronger than former Jedis.
9. While you are within an ear shot of Eriko’s parents, do not refer to yourself as “Commodore Perry” because you opened up something Japanese to American goods.  That would be tasteless.
10. Make sure all statements are said in a series of three lines, the first and third lines with five syllables and the middle line with seven syllables.  This is called a “haiku” and it is how all Japanese people communicate.
11. If Eriko’s father tells you to clean something using wax, do it.  He is trying to teach you defensive karate techniques that are similar to the motion you make when you put wax on and off.